How to be Happy in Just 30 Easy Steps

Step 1: Do not let other people bother you. As Celine once said, the rest is eyewash.

Step 2: Listen for the mail carrier. When you hear their approach be ready to react. Hide from sight, but stay within listening distance. When they leave, get your mail, quickly, without any wasted motion, and then return indoors to open whatever mail you have received.

Step 3: When glumness comes upon you, fix yourself a meal (note: this cannot be your favorite meal; instead, make it one you’d refer to as “rather enjoyable”), but do not eat not too much of it, just enough to mildly sate the pangs and horrors welling in your gut. Afterwards, do all the dishes except for one. Always leave one dish in the sink. Always.

Step 4: Paint an old hat with a brush and watercolors. It can be a baseball cap, but preferably it should be a homburg. Do not worry about what color or colors you use. Just paint the damn thing. It is okay if you are sloppy with the job. Just make sure you carry out the whole labor to the end. Also, dispose of the hat within 7–10 hours. Never wear it outside.

Step 5: Dust early and often. Use an old shirt you never wear, slightly damp with holy water. And make an effort to get rid of any plastic or fiberglass flowers you may have collected over the years.