That Long-Suffering, Self-Righteous, and Completely Lachrymal Struggle of White Guilt on the Make

Davy Carren
5 min readJun 12, 2020
(atrwork by Sarah Tell)

The screen said: “Your Zoom Work Meeting Has Started.”

Kaitlynn said, “They’re killing black people. It’s making me cry. I can’t handle it. I’m so upset!” as she sipped her elderberry Kettle One cocktail and adjusted her flower-print Marchesa Notte V-Neck Embroidered High-Low Dress with her ass just on the edge of a dusty mint accent armchair. “I’ve just got to…do something.”

All Zoom meeting-goers concurred from their layered array of windows on the laptop’s screen. Michelle was tearing up, and Charmie’s voice was failing her, and there was all-around slight sobbing and wiping of noses. Then Charmie piped up: “These mofos on my Instagram feed. I’m calling anyone out who posts racist shit. I don’t care if I lose followers. I’m putting them on blast!”

In Buffalo a 75-year-old man was pushed to the ground by two heavily armored police officers, where he promptly cracked his head open and started bleeding on the concrete, while not one of the other 57 officers in the “Special Response Squad” offered him any succor. The President claimed that the elderly gentleman was faking the whole thing to undermine the efforts of police, who, according to him were, “99.9% great people.”

Kevin chimed in: “Even the people who are doing the right thing are doing it wrong because they’re not doing it in the right way.” Then he ran his hands through the messy whorls of his bedhead hair and pulled on the neck of his organdy pullover. “The guy was in fucking handcuffs for Christ’s sake. I mean, I’m not religious, but, God, what the fuck?”

From the upright corner of Kevin’s laptop, Michelle bellowed, “I can’t even find peace in a yoga class! It’s all microaggressions from white female instructors. Where are all the brown and black voices in yoga studios? It’s like, such bullshit. It makes me feel so…so…oppressed.”

In Washington D.C. peaceful protesters were sprayed with tear gas and rubber bullets to clear the way for the President to walk to a church, pose awkwardly with a bible, and then have his picture taken.

“No matter what I do, it’s not enough.” Whined Chad. “We’re being tear-gassed with cover ups.”